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Kumbaya and All that Jazz |
I've been designing and facilitating processes for 20 years. For most of those years, my family had no idea what I did. When asked, my husband would usually respond, "I'm not sure. I think she works with groups and gets them to sing 'Kumbaya.'" No matter how many times or how vehemently I denied ever singing "Kumbaya" with any client, that was the explanation he offered. Then, three years ago, I agreed to fill in at the last minute for a colleague who was supposed to help deliver a weekend-long retreat to 30 board and staff members of a local nonprofit. My job was to facilitate the first day of team building. The retreat was being held at someone's remote vacation home in Mendocino, and my husband and I decided to make a weekend of it. At the end of the day, everyone was feeling pretty good and one of the consultants, who did a lot of work with faith-based organizations, suggested that we join hands and sing "Kumbaya." So as my husband drove up, there we were, standing in the living room of this all-glass house, singing "Kumbaya." I swear there was never a man more smug.
I think of that story every time a prospective client looks at me across the table through his furrowed brow and slightly suspicious eyes and warns, "We don't want anything too touchy feely." For years I wondered if there was en epidemic of retreats where board and staff members sat around naked and drew mandalas on each others' bodies. I mean, really, just what are people picturing, and more importantly, what are they afraid of?
The Harvard Negotiation Project teaches that all conversation takes place on three levels: objective, identity, and emotional. For example, in the previously cited conversation with my husband, I might have offered a thorough review of every meeting agenda I'd ever designed in order to demonstrate that "Sing Kumbaya" showed up in none of them (objective level). Or, I could have explained that I'm way too professional to even consider leading my clients in a chorus of "Kumbaya" (identity level). And, while sharing either of those ideas, there may have been a persistent inner voice that sounded something like "How dare you trivialize my work that way!" (emotional level)
In most of our day-to-day dealings, we focus entirely on the objective level. It's where our left brains rule, supported by data, and managed by intellect. We're generally comfortable operating on that level, and often struggle fiercely against anyone's efforts to move us out of that arena, even though those other two (touchy feely?) levels are operating simultaneously. And, as uncomfortable as some of us are with conflict, we can usually handle objective-level conflict. It's the identity- and emotional-levels of conflict that are scarier and, by the way, far more likely to undermine our effectiveness.
So the next time you bring in a consultant, please don't warn her to stay away from touchy feely processes. Instead, encourage her to bring you and your team to places you won't normally go by yourselves. Ask her to help you explore those other levels because chances are, that's what is getting in the way of your doing great work together.
But feel free to put your foot down when it comes to singing "Kumbaya."
Best,
Liz
One person has commented on this article. On 2010-01-14 22:18:33, Ann Thomas says:
Congratulations on your merger with CompassPoint!
Can we meet and have coffee?
www.hearinglosdv.org
Ann |
